If I weren't such a pervert, I would have had more dates.

If I hadn't turned every jump-rope game into a bondage contest, I would have had more girlfriends in grade school.

If I hadn't asked a high-school classmate to stand on a pedestal while I worshipped her feet, I might have had a partner for the senior prom.

If I hadn't taken another classmate to a movie in which Marlon Brando ties a woman to a brass bed and seeds her with evil, I might have gotten past hand-holding and cheek-pecking.

If I hadn't used a French military ligature technique on my college girlfriend, I might not have lost her to an art teacher whose favorite activity was cornholing.

If I hadn't told a houseguest that the rope on the floor was for binding her wrists (when actually it was for rolling my mattress), I might not have been strangled with my own cord.

If I hadn't hogtied a girlfriend, made a phone call and chatted while she futilely tried to get loose and then cannonballed off our love bed, I would now be living in familial bliss with her on Long Island.

If I hadn't tree-lashed a woman next to a lake and taken pictures, I would not have seen the film ripped from the camera and pitched into the water.

If I hadn't demanded that my closest friend wear a hood with a snap-on blindfold and a zip-up mouth opening, I wouldn't have had to listen to her yelling until the neighbors called the cops.

If I hadn't told a work colleague that I wanted to put spring clips on her nipples, I wouldn't have had to watch while she spent lunch hours looking for hunks at the local firehouse.

If I hadn't cut off my girlfriend's underwear with a switchblade and interrogated her while I was slicing, I would have enjoyed many quiet dinners with her.

If I hadn't strung a fling partner up to the ceiling like a side of bacon and paid for her services with a new pair of sneakers, I might not have had to sign her into a psychiatric ward.

If I hadn't suggested a rodeo threesome to a person I liked and heated up the Lazy T soldering iron for her and her friend, I would not have been called a "sick dude."

If I hadn't insisted on fastening my present girlfriend in the "ostrich position" instead of maximizing our romantic time, I would now be keeping cozy in a full nest of wife, children and pets.