I wanted to be a bondage photographer or, more specifically, a snuff-bondage photographer. I figured the easiest way to achieve this would be to snap pictures of women on crosses or women wearing nooses. The cross idea was a bit too difficult, because, while I certainly had the necessary religious fervor, I lacked the wood. The noose idea would be easier to implement and just as nice.

My plan to produce erotic-death photos was somewhat complex. I knew that to engineer the neck-hang position, I would have to do some faking. I could show the noose around the doomed woman's neck, her hands tied behind her back, and her feet balancing precariously on the seat of a chair. I could even show another foot making contact with the chair (my own foot most likely) a terminating foot that would kick the chair away from the noosed woman's feet and set her dancing in air.

But when it came to depicting the fully dangling, air-dancing woman, I was stymied. How could I fit all of her in the photo frame, if she was not really hanging? How could I convince other erotic-death heads that a snuffing really happened? I considered wires and harnesses, and asking the woman to hold her breath. I considered the old hand-hang, where you saw only the feet floating, or the old hidden stand, where you saw only the tongue lolling. But there was no way I could get both the floating feet and the lolling tongue in the picture simultaneously.

Then I wondered, why did I get stimulation from witnessing strangulation? Was anything short of snuff enough?

Even though I was sometimes homicidal, and other times suicidal, I was no executioner.

I was just an appreciator of whoever was blue in the face.