My bad smackster attitude took shape early. As a toddler, I was powerfully curious about my mother's buttocks. But she always concealed her heiny-I didn't know why. This verboten quality, coupled with my Oedipal appetite, twisted my view of that part of the anatomy.

In grade school, I was intensely interested in girls' glutei. My biggest educational thrill-bigger, even, than acing a spelling bee-was seeing girls' rumps roasted in class.

All of my teachers, see, owned paddles; it was a school rule. Some of the pedant/disciplinarians just waved their whackers in warning. Others actually applied the hickory. It was boys, mostly, who felt the board. On rare occasion, though, girls also tasted the shellack.

Whenever a girl committed a classroom crime, such as note passing, gum chewing or toenail clipping, she would be told to step to the head of the class. "Obedience is bliss!" the teacher would say.

The girl would be forced to face the blackboard, bend over and grab the backs of her knees with her hands. She would gather her skirt, as if for protection. But there was no way to prevent the slap of wood on bottom. As a topper, the girl would have to stand in a corner, nose to the juncture, ears to the plaster-and keep her hands away from her stinging kiester.

At that point, I began collecting spanking gear. Switches were easy, since I lived in the country. Within walking distance, I could find flexible poles of willow and ash. Stippled-rubber Ping-Pong paddles also were plentiful-all I had to do was raid the local Sunday school.

But to procure a steel-armatured, leather horsewhip, I had to steal one from my sister. She was no pervert, but she did take lessons in dressage.

Once, she caught me cutting a stuffed chair with her buggy whip for practice. I was so embarrassed that I vowed I would never again punish furniture.

Now, as a mature spankster, I avoid paraphernalia. I find that the flat of my hand works just fine.

On special occasions, like birthdays and anniversaries, I might use a household staple, like a hairbrush, a spatula, a fishing rod, an extension cord or a TV antenna. Anything that marks, warms, abrades, flays, pinkens, reddens, stings, stripes, bruises or burns is perfect.